I can’t believe how incapable, useless, unsuccessful, and susceptible to failure we are without accountability. I can do nothing on my own. People please feel free to keep tabs on me and invade my life.
I am not ready to settle, and finally, I can be okay with saying that. One road led to the one I’m traveling on, and yet this one seems to be curving into another. Although I want to accept the stability & safety offered by a potentially straight road, my heart is divided. It clearly sees something more worth my heart, my care, and my devotion. I struggled to admit it out of the fear of being naïve, reckless, and finicky. I’ve thought, “It’s because I’m too indecisive or undisciplined” and I’ve realized the only reason why I’m sticking around is because I want to prove myself otherwise… I don’t want to feel like a failure.
However, I wonder as it becomes louder and clearer what my heart is saying. I don’t want this. I really don’t want it. It feels like I’ve eaten a satisfying meal, and I’m trying to force-feed myself when I am content. Each bite is getting increasingly nauseating… and what was once enjoyable and necessary has become burdensome. What I am saying isn’t that I don’t need what I am getting now…What I’ve received is something that God has gifted it to me as a voice when I could not speak, a tool for disguised healing, as a language to praise him, a place to wrestle with my insecurities and pride, but most importantly, it’s provided a home for me to see his loving and gentle face. For that, I thank him so much… However, even in the midst of this gratitude, my heart is still bending towards the curve. And for that, I have to listen to it more considerately without the bias of my pride-based insecurities. What is this curve really telling me?
Today, I was talking to my counselor and she asked me to be honest with myself. What does this curve say for me?
It was really overdue listening on my part, but having someone else who wanted to hear it with me forced me to sit myself down to listen to message this curve wanted to convey: “This is the freedom to choose what you love over all practicality & sensibility. I am your permission to DO YOU, BE YOU. “
As much as all sounds so perfect, my lips always need to mouth the big, BUT:
“Aren’t I being too idealistic?”
Maybe… But if idealistic feels this right to me, I need to be real with myself. I know what I want. I’m not being indecisive. I’m just not listening to the truth. The truth isn’t that I’m being unfaithful. It’s that I’m excited for this curve to happen. It’s just waiting for my guarded heart to become more vulnerable. Letting myself become this vulnerable feels like giving permission to Life to decide for me, “Give me instability or stability, failure or success, the right decision or the wrong decision.” It’s scary, but I want to feel alive… and maybe I just have to let the wheel turn a little as I keep my eyes centered on Him. Until this curve takes a full turn, my responsibility is to patiently follow the road that has already been prepared for me, to trust that He has gone before me and that he is also with me. He will be the source of my courage.
This C.S. Lewis quote keeps coming to mind: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
If I am to love God and the life he’s given me, I must be vulnerable to the passions he’s putting into my heart. The self-protective ways in which I look for stability must go before I start living life. His ways are better than mine. He will protect me better than any self-protective plan I have for myself. He loves me, and he will gently guide me to make the decision I must make until this curve turns my life into this new direction. This is why I can be vulnerable. Dear heart, please believe the truth.
"… Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits, are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another’s wounds. Let’s remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness." -Henri Nouwen.
Dear heart, please be reminded: John 15.
We must stand against the view of those who suffer from problems of psychosis as “other” as it leads to a diminished view of the image of God in them and of our responsibility for the care of the weak and vulnerable.